I've been asked by a lot of parents how to help kids that misbehave at home. There are a few things that I feel pretty passionate about when it comes to raising good kids, and I want to share the things that have worked for me as a teacher. I have gotten all of my 'material' from my favorite "parenting role-models;' My mom, my grandmas, and the principal of my school. These women are parenting giants and their methods are tried and true with a combined total of over 100 years of parenting.
How many parent teacher conferences have you been to where your child's teacher gives glowing remarks about your child, but you feel like they might be talking about someone else? Have you ever heard that your child was "so helpful and gentle today at school with the younger students" when you're pretty sure he hit his toddler brother just before leaving for school that same morning? As a teacher, I have sat in these conferences and watched the jaws of parents hang open while I speak about a child they don't seem familiar with at home.
So, what is it? Is your child a master con artist? Is that teacher reporting about Jimmy when it's Jonny you want to hear about? Maybe there are a few little things that are done at school that can be practiced at home to help out?
Before you overhaul your parenting techniques and send your family into a whirlwind of change, you should ask yourself this question:
"What kind of a kid am I trying to raise?"
There are a lot of different parenting techniques that work. I'm not talking about those techniques, though. I'm essentially asking you: What kind of child, teenager, adult, citizen, parent do you want to raise? Because, the way you parent your child now will affect any one of those for good or for worse. I know this because the way my parents "parented" me when I was younger impacted and molded who I am now.
In my classroom, and in the home I grew up in, these were a few of the qualities of the kids being raised:
-Respectful. Respects authority, property, self, others, privileges
-Helpful. Helps others, self. Without complaint and without much prodding to get going.
-Driven and Self-Motivated. Relies on self to get things done but observes others to do so.
-Thankful. Recognizes blessings and opportunities as a privilege and not as a right. Not entitled.
-Kind. Confidence in self is great so they have no reason to treat others poorly.
Kid-Training Techniques:
There are a few kid-training techniques that I learned from the best moms I know and these are the exact qualities that I've used to help the students in my classroom. *Disclaimer: I believe that different kids need different techniques to motivate them. But, you're still doing the same things, just in a way that the child can respond to well. ("Respond to well" doesn't mean that the kid likes the way you handle a situation. It might be uncomfortable for them! But, are you seeing positive results from the way you're training? If so; it's probably right for them. If not, give it some more time. If it's still getting negative results like a lack of motivation, acting out in other ways, lack of trust, etc; then it's not working.)
1. CONSISTENCY: If you say that you're going home the next time your child slams grandma's toy room door, go home. If you say "the next time you push your sister, you're going to bed." Put them to bed. Don't put them in their room for five minutes and then let them out to play when they sneak out of the room. In my classroom, if I told a student that their toy was going to be taken away if they brought it out during class, I took it away. It may have taken several tries to get the message across, but the minute I made that promise, I kept it. If you don't mean it, don't promise it. Kids have so much endurance when it comes to testing your limits. They've worn adults out before, they're just trying to test out your limits to see how much it will take you to wear down.
2. PUNISHMENTS THAT FIT THE 'CRIME:' In the classroom, if I told a student that they needed to do their homework to get the points but they didn't do their homework, the punishment was not getting the points. It's important to create solutions that are more like real-life consequences instead of unrealistic or unrelated outcomes.
Here are some punishments that fit the crimes that most kids tend to struggle with. (I'm writing these for kids that are more accountable for their actions than a toddler or baby. With little toddlers and babies, they typically need you not to laugh or provoke the behavior. Distract a younger child with something positive and if it continues to be a problem, teach the 'right way' through positive example.)
a. You didn't finish your chores. You don't get to go outside and play. Play is a reward for your work.
b. You were asked not to use the chalk on the side of the house. Here's the hose and a scrubber brush. I'll show you how to clean it off and then you need to clean it off by yourself. (I'll be close to make sure you're working and not having a water fight...) Then we'll have a talk about why we don't draw on our house with chalk and why we respect our things.
c. You didn't eat all of your dinner like I asked you to do. You're not getting dessert because dessert is what we enjoy after eating all of our dinner. If you'd like dessert, you can sit here and finish your dinner.
d. You forgot your math homework on the kitchen counter because you wanted to hurry and build a Lego house before school. When you call me and ask for your homework, I'm not bringing this to you because it won't help you to care about your homework more before school. It will teach you that you can be bailed out of a poorly utilized morning and that I have nothing better to do with my time.
e. You've been fighting with your siblings. We're going to sit down together and talk about why those words or actions hurt and you're going to think of a list of things that we should say and do instead. This talk will not be enjoyable because I don't really want to have it again unless we really need to. I'm going to keep my cool and not get into a power struggle with you. Afterward, you'll have some quiet time in my view while your siblings who are not fighting, are playing. You'll be able to play with them when I think you're ready to be kind. That might not be until tomorrow and you might be dismissed to bed early because it seems like you need some more sleep to help you out.
3. I'M THE PARENT, NOT YOUR FRIEND:
Ask yourself these questions:
1. Am I afraid that if I discipline my child, they won't like me anymore?
2. Does it make me sad to have to punish a child?
3. Does it hurt when my child doesn't want to talk to me because I had to punish them?
I have one word for you: tough. If you love your child, you need to help them to become the best person they can be and training begins in your home. As a competitive swimmer, I hated it when my coach stood over my lane and yelled at me to go faster or to refine my stroke. He even got in the water once to correct flip turns that were hindering my racing times. It was embarrassing and sometimes I left practice thinking, "he totally hates me." But when I got in the pool to race and I remembered those refined flip turns and his tips on how to streamline my stroke, I couldn't help but be grateful that he saw my potential. He was always quick to praise appropriately when the time came. I respected him and I also didn't mess with him because I knew that I could trust him to give me honest feedback.
If your child makes a mistake, reprove them and then show an increase in love...you've heard that before. Don't ever say, "I'm sorry that I have to take this away from you..." you're not sorry. You'll be more sorry when your kid continues to make mistakes and you never did anything to correct them. Say instead, "You're a good kid and I this isn't how you should be acting." or "Your behavior has really disappointed me today." (Some people don't believe in guilt, I guess I see it more as holding a child to a higher standard and helping them to rise up.)
4. STOP DOING THAT BECAUSE:
You've been to Target and heard the "no, no, stop it, NO!" mom that has a vocabulary of a few commands and as explosive attitude. Here's what I mean:
Mom is on her phone leaning on the cart with baby in the seat while another little child repeatedly whines or cries for something and all she has to say as she stares at her phone or a display is, "No. No. Stop it Carter! Stop it! No. I said no. NO! That's it. We're going home!" As she continues yelling and ranting the whole way out of the store, all her child can think is "I was just asking her if I could get a treat. I'm four and I have no idea why I can't have the treat."
Here's how it could have gone:
Mom is with her two kids, so she doesn't need to be on Facebook or Pinterest while walking around the store. Even a text with a friend can wait. They are walking around and the young child notices a candy that he'd really like. He starts to ask loudly and repeatedly if he can have it. Before things escalate, mom might explain that he doesn't need to yell or whine for something and she asks him to ask her again. He asks the best way a four year old can and she says, "No. We're just here to get things for dinner and then we're headed home. Would you like to help me find (item) for our dinner tonight?" If he whines, explain again, "we're not getting the treat today because we're going home to eat dinner. We have ice cream at home that we can eat for dessert." It might escalate and he might continue to whine, but you're giving him a reason and giving him the time of day that he so desperately needs to feel like you're actually present. "No," "stop it," "quit it now," are all not good enough explanations. Give a clear expectation and then see point #1 on consistency.
5. I LOVE YOU AND THIS IS HOW I'LL SHOW YOU:
This one is going to be short: why are you spending so much time on your phone, facebook, Pinterest, or with others instead of being present with your child? Sure, you're the champion of multitasking, but if your child is talking to you, engage. If your child is singing a song for you. Again. Watch them or talk about a better time for them to sing. Don't get so busy with you that you forget that you've got little minds all around that need stimulation, attention, love and care. Get off your phone. Invite them to help you with chores or make dinner. Read your book and allow them to read next to you. Teach them to play alone or with siblings/friends so that they aren't always dependent on you, but don't lose a chance to play with them, too. Have conversations with them on their level while encouraging them to rise to a higher level. Take time to play with them one on one and in a group. Your example will mold the way they treat others. Practice good eye contact and respect for others when they talk. (You can't do this with your eyes on your phone, so...)
I could go on forever. but long story short, kids are a heck of a lot smarter than too many people allow them to be. Too often we forget that kids require time, consistency, effort, explanations, and most importantly love. Love now and love for their future. If you practice all of those things now, it probably won't be so hard when their teenage years roll around. I know it wasn't because I happen to be one of those rare kids (all of my siblings, actually) that got along with my mom all throughout my teenage years. She set the standards, I knew them, I had respect (not fear) for her, and I could see where she had helped me to be better.
